lexiesloan (lexiesloan) wrote,
lexiesloan
lexiesloan

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I've Poured My Heart Out a Million Times for a Million Reasons


Inspired by Should I Fall from Grace by citron_presse 

They get into a fight – something that starts when he seriously wonders why she’s with him because he can never make her happy – and after exchanging a barrage of heated words, she winds up storming out of the hotel room, slamming the door behind her, not even wanting to look at him at the moment.

 

She knows that she will cry about this later but right now, she wants to be pissed off and get as far away from him as possible. They don’t fight often, hardly at all actually, but when they do, it is best if they just go into their separate corners for a while.

 

Lexie knows she will see him tomorrow at the hospital and they will talk and everything will go back to being happy because somewhere, sometime, somehow since this whole thing started between them, they have become the normal couple in the hospital. They are functional and normal and sane and they could go weeks on end without a dramatic episode unlike almost everyone else who had relationships within Seattle Grace’s walls.

 

There isn’t a doubt in Lexie’s mind as she waits for the elevator at the end of the hall that tomorrow, they will apologize to one another and things will be just fine between them again.

 

She’s crazy about him and she says that because she can’t decide whether or not it’s time to say the “L” word to him yet. Maybe tomorrow, she will. She knows Mark has so many issues he is still trying to work through and if anyone deserves to know that they are loved, it is Mark Sloan.

 

First, they will clear the air between them and then they can keep moving forward together.

 

*

 

Mark handles their fight in a completely different way than she does. He doesn’t stay in his room and watch Sabrina and eat a bowl of ice cream. Instead, he goes to Joe’s and gets drunk.

 

By the time Lexie walks into the hospital the next morning to report for rounds, everyone else already seems to know and it is George of all people who breaks the news to her. He had been at Joe’s the night before and was witness to Mark leaving with some random redhead after last call.

 

Lexie can feel the stares and can hear the whispers, harsh in her ears like nails on a chalkboard. She doesn’t run into Mark though and she can’t tell whether or not she wants to. She doesn’t know what she will do if she does so she slips into a supply closet instead.

 

Leaning against the wall and sinking down to the floor, she hugs her knees to her chest, resting her chin on one cap, and closes her eyes. The tears hadn’t come the night before but they do now and they roll slowly down her cheeks in big, spectacular drops.

 

She doesn’t bother to wipe them away. She knows that she is going to be in that supply closet, crying for a while, so why try and stop prematurely?

 

She can’t believe how much her chest, her stomach… her heart hurts. It is the most excruciating pain she has ever suffered through and somehow, it is actually worse than the pain she remembers suffering through when her mother died.

 

Everyone had warned her that it was going to end this way and she wondered, deep down, if she had known it all along herself.

 

They told her to not get involved, or, if she was just having fun, to get out while she still could with her heart remaining intact because if Mark Sloan was good at one thing in life besides having sex, it was breaking a woman’s heart.

 

She had thought though that things between them were good. Better than good. Great even. He and Derek had finally made up. He had met her father. He made her happy. And she had thought that she had made him happy.

 

She hates herself for thinking it but there is one thing she wasn’t surprised about what George told her.

 

Mark had left with a redhead. Lexie knows that Mark has secretly always preferred redheads.

 

*

 

She still has an extra keycard to his room and she has to get her belongings that has accumulated there over the past few months. She almost calls ahead, not wanting to do this with him around. It has been two days and she has been able to successfully avoid him. For some reason, Cristina has taken pity on her and assigns her to Hunt’s rotation instead of sending her off to Plastics.

 

She knows that he has been trying to seek her out but the hospital is like a rat maze and Lexie obviously knows more nooks and crannies to hide in because he hasn’t been able to find her yet.

She hears that he goes to Meredith’s house and even to George’s apartment, looking for her. He doesn’t know that she has moved back in with her dad and even if he did know, he doesn’t know where the house is.

 

She feels as if she’s moments away from throwing up as she rides the elevator up to his floor and then slowly walks down the carpeted silent hallway to the familiar door as if she is heading towards certain death. She hopes he isn’t there.

 

She unlocks the door and she realizes that this is the last time that she will ever be here. There are tears forming in her eyes again and she blinks quickly, wanting to get through this without breaking down.

 

She can’t stop herself before she wonders if he had brought the redhead from the bar back to this room. Their room. It had become theirs over the past few months, with Lexie slowly moving in with him. Nights of room service, watching movies, talking, laughing… and hours upon hours spent having sex though it had long ago transcended sex and had become something so much more.

 

Lexie refuses now to think of it as making love as she did just a few days earlier.

 

The bathroom door is closed and she can hear the running of water and it snaps Lexie into movement, forcing her to rush to the closet to get the gym bag she left there. She knows that she will actually have to go into the bathroom to get her toothbrush and other toiletries but she is seriously considering leaving them behind. She can always buy new ones.

 

She grabs her clothes in armfuls, shoving them in the bag as quickly as she can. She knows that sneaking in and out isn’t the mature thing to do but she knows that she is no where near ready to see him. She definitely will start to cry if she sees him and the last thing she wants to do in front of him – and it will be the last thing she will ever do in front of him – is cry.

 

She is trying to zip the bag up when the bathroom door opens and Lexie’s entire body freezes like a deer in the headlights. He is wearing a grey tee-shirt and black sweatpants and she has a sudden case of déjà vu to that first night when he first opened the door to her and she told him to teach her.

 

He is staring at her and Lexie hates herself for not being able to look away from him. There is a dryness in her throat and she tries to swallow past it, blinking quickly again to keep the tears at bay.

For a moment, he looks relieved, as if he thinks that she has come back, but then he sees the bag on her shoulder.

 

He speaks first. It doesn’t surprise her. He always has to have the first and last word in everything.

 

“Lexie…” he says her name and he sounds tired. He looks tired too as if he hasn’t slept. She recognizes the look because she has barely slept either. “I’ve tried calling you.”

 

“I’ve turned my phone off.” She has to swallow again when she hears her voice shaking ever so slightly.

 

She will never tell him that she listened to every single one of the twenty-five voice messages he left her. His voice, the anguish she heard as he pleaded with her – and Mark Sloan did not plead with anyone for anything – to call him, she wishes she can just forget it.

 

Twenty-five voice messages. In two days.

 

The more optimistic side of Lexie wants to think that it means something. That she means something to him. But Lexie is sick of being optimistic. She has been nothing but optimistic since arriving in Seattle and it has gotten her nothing except disappointment and the worst heartache imaginable.

 

“Did you sleep with her?” Lexie asks though why she wants to torture herself further, she doesn’t know.

 

He doesn’t have to answer. His eyes flick away for a split second but it is enough to confirm everything she has already heard from everyone except him.

 

She doesn’t know why but she starts laughing. She laughs because the ache in her chest has managed to only grow worse and she knows that if she doesn’t laugh, she will start to cry.

 

“So we have one fight and this… you go and… God, Mark. I’m in love with you,” she says and he flinches as if she’s slapped him. Her laughter dies and tears brim in her eyes, any moment about to overflow. “I am completely in love with you but the fact that you can go and do something like this to me…” she struggles with her words. “No matter how many times you slept with me, I never turned into Addison. Or even Callie.”

 

Mark stares at her, something flashing in his eyes, his entire body tensing, and Lexie knows that he is about to start fighting.

 

But whether it is with her or for her, she can’t tell.

 

And that scares her more than anything because even after all of this time with him, she realizes that she still doesn’t know him.

 

Tags: pairing: mark sloan/lexie grey, show: grey's anatomy
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